


a theism in evolution

by Tarredion



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gods & Goddesses, Denial of Feelings, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Feelings, Feelings Realization, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Letters, M/M, POV First Person, moon god dan, mother gaia, sun god phil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-19
Updated: 2020-03-19
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:15:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23203807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tarredion/pseuds/Tarredion
Summary: The sungod, Phil, sends letters to Mother Gaia. He puts all his worries into words… even when he himself can't see right through them
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 14
Kudos: 22
Collections: phandomficfests: escape from reality





	a theism in evolution

**Author's Note:**

> flash fest prompt: 1st person pov  
> -  
> for inspiration see tumblr: Tarredion

Mother dear,

you have taught me all you know, and I will be eternally* grateful for your service and offerings. This language you have taught me, the words that bless the world, it is truly something else. Extraordinary. Different**. Marvelous work, enough so that each little object in the oh so very vast universe has a.. name. 

Well, except for me, Mother.

May I ask a little favour? May I get my own?

greetings, 

o

*or for however long this world lasts.. 

**there are oh so many adjectives that I could go on and on

* * *

Mother dear,

why did you make the world so barren for me? Despite all of my power and prowess, life cannot spring unprompted from my bare, uncalloused hands. And you must know this, for you created me. It is not in my nature until you make it so.

These lands are so cold during the night. Darkness practically pounces upon stone and earth, leaving no pebble small nor mountain tall unturned and untouched. You’ve given me seasons, and you’ve given me a cycle, mother. May you also give them friends?

greetings, 

Philip

Sungod of the first dynasty

Ps. thank yous; eternal blessings for my name

* * *

Mother dear,

your gift of life, beating hearts, and nature’s breath* has been well received. I suppose news have reached you long before this letter will. Now, I also suppose you must be terribly busy with all these creatures to nurture, and life cycles to adhere to. But fret not: my request is simple and short.

All of my new siblings and friends go about life like professionals**. I, however, feel like something is missing from our existence. See, these emotions you have named, Mother, these feelings, they’d certainly improve the creatures’ ability to sense and comprehend the world.

Give them their own little language, and things to communicate, please?

greetings,

Philip

Sungod of the second dynasty 

*both ocean immense and forest verdant

**I’m still unsure of what this means, even in context 

* * *

Mother dear,

all of these emotions have me bubbling over, like a gaiser on a summer’s eve! The world seems to be bursting with them, as if life has perfected it’s masterpiece and now bursts at the seams. And even if I can’t understand all of these feelings, nor have I felt all of them, you have made a wise decision.

The birdsong in the evenings before I fall asleep, the flowers that bloom at my lightest touch, and the roar of the lions that roam savannahs wide… I feel things because of them.

Mother, it seems like I have no more requests, for the time being. You have fulfilled all I have asked, and stilled all my worries. The big, wide ocean of uncertainty swirling within me has stilled. 

greetings,

Philip

Sungod of the third dynasty

* * *

  
Mother dear,

I see you have brightened up the night! It’s not my business, per say, but I need you to know what I think. It’s not the worst, and yet not the best. Tonight, after falling asleep, I felt something I had yet to, before. Uneasiness.

I really ask nothing of you, mother, but I will let you know when I feel this uneasiness again. I will try to investigate, and I hope dearly that you will take me seriously whenever I bare my concerns with you. Not that you wouldn’t, Mother.

greetings,

Philip

Sungod of the third dynasty

* * *

Mother dear,

humans are so small and quite overbearing. Their praise is good, but their actions are bare and lousy. Often, I find them hurting others of their kin to give praise, and I do not enjoy it. Though I suppose there is nothing anyone can do, not even you, and so I’ll live my existence, as much as I am able to, without giving them acknowledgement or satisfaction for pain.

On a more positive note, I am rather fond of these clothes and crown you have given me! The metalwork is exceptional, and the details are intricate, creative. I will say you have captured my essence, mother, and these bright orangey colours are very exciting. Though I have yet to wear in my chain-piercing, I am not totally opposed to it. It might even become my favourite piece, but who knows. 

greetings,

Philip

Sungod of the fourth dynasty

* * *

Mother dear,

I have an announcement to make. I know that you gave me my name upon my request, and that it’s what truly fits me best. But because the mortals have begun to name themselves after me, I have found that the shorter version of it clicks with me. Even if I shouldn’t request such small things of you, when you’re so busy tending to the universe, I hope that you’ll call me by Phil from now on. Please.

greetings,

Phil

Sungod of the fourth dynasty

* * *

Mother dear,

what is this I hear of a moon*? The names are diverse, and the stories widely spread, and each retelling has a different course of action. And so while it seems like the humans are mostly happy and appreciative of the new light.. something’s off. I feel off.

I am trying to keep an open mind, considering I have yet to meet this other divine being. The only other one, mind you. Still, there seems to be something brutal, cold, and over-the-top about them. Not that I doubt your judgement, of course not, Mother. They just don’t seem overtly kind, from what all the stories tell.

greetings,

Phil

sungod of the fifth dynasty 

*moon, moongod, god of the moon, Luna, lunar, selene, and so forth

* * *

Dear mother,

these humans and their cultures… I feel like my language is evolving as quickly as they can! The move from Baghdad to Alexandria seems to have taken quite a toll on them, however. It’s excruciating, having to watch them suffer in the heat, knowing full well that I rule over such phenomenons. I felt empty and undeserving, accepting their futile blessings and offerings, knowing full well I can’t actually control what I represent..

I am not asking you to still my worries, mother, I am quite happy with what I am and what I have power over. But, as always, I have feelings, too. And I just needed to vent.

greetings,

Phil

Sungod of the sixth dynasty

* * *

Dear mother,

Sepideh is my blessing, and I thank you. She’s a very, very good fox. Roya, the lion, however, can be quite a troublemaker! Only last week, she pulled my shoulderpad to pieces*. I’ll trust your judgement, though, considering you have made her as immortal as me.

Sahar, that’s what I decided to name the cougar. I hope you don’t mind me completely disregarding your suggestions, mother..

Once again, I take a bow to you.

greetings,

Phil

Sungod of the sixth dynasty

*repaired swiftly, as you’d know

* * *

Dear mother,

I saw an arctic fox sneaking around this morning. It snaked itself around the northern pole, dancing with, well, the foxfires. The small children that saw it* called it Parvin, and shortly stories had spread across the world.

That is a rather unusual phenomenon.. You know well, mother, that there has only ever been me and the occasional supernatural creature being told of. 

greetings,

Phil

Sungod of the seventh dynasty

*unfortunately

* * *

Dear mother,

the white tiger population has significantly increased, and no matter how much I love my animals of all kinds, that doesn’t bode good. The spike has been so drastic that locals call it the Mahtab Uprising.

I’m not sure what you have planned, mother, but all these signs make me queasy.

greetings,

Phil

Sungod of the seventh dynasty 

* * *

Mother,

I have never been this frustrated since the beginning of time.

This moongod, this new deity the humans are obsessing over, he doesn’t deserve his praise. 

I saw him today, while traversing the borderlands. Nobody had told me he can be awake before I sleep, or else I’d not have been there. The humans looked up at him, the stars glittering behind his form and shining through my red dusk glow, and he ignored them. His presence felt cold and unbothered, as if he genuinely didn’t care. 

He even had a white leopard! I tell you, he’s copied more things from me than I could possibly count. While I didn’t come close enough to touch, his clothing seemed uncannily familiar... 

And Nahid, that’s what he called that big cat. Rather unoriginal, if I say so myself, and I don’t typically judge. There’s just something about him that seemed off. If you know, may you tell me why? I feel miserable, mother, and I don’t know how to put these stirring thoughts to rest. I don’t like being unkind, even secretly. i suppose that’s why I am baring the feeling to you.

greetings,

Phil

Sungod of the eighth dynasty

* * *

Dear mother,

I saw this god again today, and he really is worse than I first thought.

He wears identical robes to mine, just deep blue with additional shades of pink and purple, and a pattern of constellations strewn across the fabric. That’s cheating, I tell you, to woo the human’s hearts with pretty decorations. It also seems he can’t come up with his own thing. His sleeves are see-through and long, yes, but the turtleneck crop-top really cuts it. We can’t both walk out with our chests exposed, especially since the sight of his smooth tummy is very much indecent! 

That silver crown that clad his brown, styled curls is so alike my own that I can’t quite shake the sight of it. And anyways, curls are so not attractive, I can’t quite understand why he’d revert to that. With humans I don’t mind, let them do what they want, but the hairstyle is just annoying on him. 

At the very least, I can be glad he hasn’t decided to get a piercing, mother. And please don’t give him any ideas after this letter.

greetings,

a very frustrated Phil

Sungod of the eighth dynasty

* * *

Mother,

I am not obsessing over such unworldly matters. I don’t pay him any mind, actually. Still, I almost feel like I should beg you not to listen to him.

Whatever he said about our encounter today, it’s not true. He’s a filthy liar, I am sure, and he’s worse than even those corrupt humans that have gained power over many lands. 

I never stared at his stupid head, and he didn’t catch me gazing into his deep, brown eyes. That idiotically pitched laughter of his is not something I’d ever call cute, and he didn’t make me blush when he heard what I -didn’t- say. Not that I can know what he’d tell you, as these letters are strictly confidential, but whatever sounds came across his chapped, plump lips, they’ve never rung true.

greetings,

Phil

Sungod of the ninth dynasty

* * *

Mother,

I am furious! Why can’t you understand that blood rushes in my ears each time I set my eyes upon his glittering ones? This isn’t casual dislike, I’m sure I absolutely despise him!

Please don’t make me go to the heavenly halls with him by my side. Can you tend to my wishes this once? I understand that these are pressing matters, the survival of the universe and all, but I cannot stand being in his presence for more than a few minutes.

greetings,

Phil

Sungod of the ninth dynasty

Ps. who’s eyes even glitter like a whole night sky has been compressed into them?? mother, that surely isn’t natural??

* * *

Mother,

his laughter is brighter than any of my creations, and I can’t help but to be bummed out whenever the humans pay more attention to him than to my gifts. It happens too often.

Is this jealousy brewing within me? Mother, whatever it is, make it stop, for it feels horrible to walk around all day with my toes curling and my breath caught in my throat. It burns like acid, debilitating my abilities to please the people and graze the world with kindness. I know well that we’re both here for that very reason, so I don’t see why I should feel like this. 

greetings,

Phil

Sungod of the tenth dynasty

Ps. Thank you for scheduling different meetings. I’m not sure for how long I could’ve kept my composure while he was in the room.

* * *

Mother,

I don’t understand why, but today the moongod tried to initiate conversation with me. And even when I told him to go away, he didn’t. He laughed in my face, with that stupid crooked smile, and my skin prickled at the sound.

I couldn’t believe my ears, nor my eyes. I’ve never had someone treat me like that, as if my request was simply a funny remark to be whisked away. Eyes crinkled and face flushed, he began to speak to me about mindless things. I listened as much as I could, really, but his voice itself made me drift off. Eventually he realized I wasn’t interested, and excused himself. I watched him walk off with a strut, as if we had never spoken at all. It made me feel a bit bad, but I couldn’t quite help my uninterest..

Don’t feign me, mother, I am only trying my best. 

greetings,

Phil

Sungod of the eleventh dynasty

* * *

Mother,

the moongod came by my place in the shade today, and joined me beneath the canopy. Though I suppose it’d be rude for me to call him the moongod, and just that, now that I know his name is Dan. Why didn’t you tell me this? Why did I have to find out from his foul* mouth?

It seems i have gotten off track.. This wasn’t my point with today’s letter. My point was, he was unusually friendly to me. Almost as if he was trying to gain my friendship. I can’t quite understand that. I’ve been nothing but rude to him, forcing him out no matter how much I dislike doing so. 

His eyes glittered in the darkness, like the great belt in the sky above, whenever he spoke about certain topics, fast and with such heartwarming excitement in his voice. He’s sassy, too, and some of his remarks amaze me with their boldness. They seem too intimate and exasperating to share with even you, mother. 

greetings,

Phil

Sungod of the eleventh dynasty 

*he swears a lot, mother, and you should know how indecent that is of a deity

* * *

Mother,

I noticed something peculiar today. Dan’s feet are coarsened, tanned from too much exposure to the sun*, and the webbing between his toes filled with pebbles. Small, unsuspecting little pebbles, that clink as he walks, signalling whenever he leaves or enters. I can’t really help the fire it starts within me; I just can’t stand that sound.

Was that your making, your intention, or did he evolve that way? To love the opposite of him, and not mind the uncomfortable. I won’t dwell too much on it, as I can’t understand it. Not even a little bit.

It also seems he never washes away the smells of the earth, either. He washes, yes, I have seen him scrubbing his tan, long, and chubby body down at the waterfalls. But it seems like his feet are always dusted with the reminiscence of dirt, and his tangly hair constantly trickles with a thick musky odor, like a mixture of strong human spices and degrading, burning wood. It’s a rather strange smell, but I have nothing against it.

It feels like I can tell you anything, now, so it seems like I will. I am almost hoping this letter ends up unopened in a drawer somewhere, thrown about like other stray papers. 

Not that I am claiming you do that, mother... That would be careless of me. 

greetings,

Phil

Sungod of the eleventh dynasty

*ironic, yes

* * *

Mother,

I feel horrid. Why do I have to feel such hatred and guilt? Why did you have to interlock me with such painful circumstances? Why did you have to make Dan a god, too? 

Alright, I won’t blame any of this on him and I won’t wish him undone, either. That’s just cruel, and no matter how unkind I have been to him, I would never be quite so heartless to anyone.

He came by my house today, and I hadn’t really intended for us to fall into chatter. It just sorta happened, for once, and flowed rather nicely. At first. Then I decided I had to get back to work, and I told him to leave. i think it came out as cold and unfazed, for his face fell, and i hope I’m wrong, but he seemed like he had tears in his eyes as he stumbled out my garden gate.

I pray, like I cannot, that you give me the strength to make it right.

greetings,

Phil

Sungod of the twelfth dynasty

* * *

Mother,

last night, Sepideh brought home that arctic fox of Dan’s. Parvin. I don’t see how, as Dan’d have had to let her into his house, but I won’t question it. He can do whatever he wants with his own private property.

That reminds me, sadly, that I haven’t seen him since.. well, then. I don’t know why there is longing in my heart when I dislike him so, but maybe I’m warming up to him. Maybe.

On another note, Roya has grown so much lately! She’s almost fully grown, I suppose, and fiercer than ever. I almost think I’d have to let her roam on her own, she needs so much space. She barely fits in the house, let alone her cage, without making everything crash to the ground. And I love her to bits, so I’ll do the absolute best for her.

greetings,

a troubled and sad* Phil

Sungod of the twelfth dynasty

*at least I think that’s what the storm inside me represents?

* * *

Mother,

I tried to talk to Dan today.

Showing up at his door was hard enough, I was shaking so bad, but then I caught a glimpse of him bawling on his sofa.. his curls were drooping, and his cheeks were bright red, streaks of water rolling down them uncontrollably. I have never seen nor felt such heartbreaking emotion before, but I knew that’s what it was.

Needless to say, I didn’t knock. He seemed too vulnerable, and with how unkind I have been, I don’t see how my presence could’ve been comforting. So now, here I am, wallowing in my own self-pity and writing you a letter with shaking hands.

I will go and apologize, mother, but only once I’ve calmed down. There is no way I could try it now, when it feels like my eyelids are about to split open and well over with burning liquid.

greetings,

Phil

Sungod of the twelfth dynasty

* * *

  
Mother,

I made Dan smile today. A dreamy, dimpled smile that made his face glow radiant, and is a much better look than a tearstained face. My apology was well-received, and I am grateful to no end that you helped me plan it out. I can’t quite conceptualize my thoughts and feelings so easily, as you know.

Humbled, I thank you, mother.

greetings,

Phil

Sungod of the thirteenth dynasty

* * *

Mother,

the river glitters beautifully in the moonlight. Dan woke earlier tonight, and so I stayed up* after dusk so he could show me, as he insisted. He seemed so excited, and his expression is still ingrained in my mind, so I couldn’t refuse. It would be too much for my fragile heart, and maybe his, too.

He says he has forgiven me completely, and I am glad. I can see it on his face, in the way his cheeks flush and his forehead creases smooth when he lays eyes upon me. Happiness warms me from within my ribs, at the sight of his crinkled eyes. Forget anything I have said about him being a liar, mother, for that’s what I am. Or rather, was.

greetings,

Phil

Sungod of the thirteenth dynasty

*I know I shouldn’t, and that it breaks the natural order of things, but let me have this freedom once. Please.

* * *

Mother,

his hands are ginormous, encompassing mine like the vast darkness of the universe cradles the sun that I rule*. Except there is one difference to be made. His palms glow, and not mine. They’re so hot, and so sparkly, and sometimes the glow of his tan skin actually does shine. It’s strange, but it’s a good contrast against his black** nails.

He’s so kind to me, and has let me into his life. Our big, cuddly but scary cats generally do playfight, even when we’re not around. It’s as if we were meant to get to know each other, and as if that waifer of hope he held to get to know me never faded, but grew.

Remind me again why I thought I could ever dislike him, the moongod, and the kindest being to have ever grazed this world.

Yes, I put him above me. If I got my way, each human being would value him highly.

greetings,

Phil

Sungod of the fourteenth dynasty

*loosely used

**painted, not rotting, but you’d already know if they were, wouldn’t you

* * *

Mother,

I’ve been spending a lot of time at Dan’s house, and that has meant a lot of distractions. I am sorry for not writing for so long.

These distractions? you may ask, mother, and I will answer now as I can’t be sure when I’ll have the time to write again. Dan and I just fall into conversation so easily, and it almost rubs our schedules the wrong way, but we have found ways to cope, as you’d know.

See, we have so many similar interests, I have found. He can make wonderous stories as well as i can, and it has slowly become more and more captivating to listen to his voice than to make up my own. When I say he’s a theatrical man, I mean it.

Often we’ll lay on the floor of his living room, where he’s spread out a map of the constellations and the sky. I’ll rest atop his stomach, which is chubby and soft and quite comfortable, and I’ll doze off with him as my pillow while he gets lost in his own words and worlds. Imaginary, of course.

He’s rather cute when he gets so intense. His mouth pouts and his eyebrows furrow, and this small smile tugs on his lips, just about hinting his dimple. It’s a rather self-asserted one, but the way it glows makes my hands warm, and I just want to squeeze his cheeks all the while.

It’s getting rather late here, not going to lie, and I know how mad you’ll get if I break schedule so drastically again. I’ll try to go to sleep, but it’s been getting more and more difficult the longer I spend with Dan... 

greetings,

Phil

Sungod of the sixteenth dynasty

* * *

Mother,

long time no see!

I was shown a tattoo, today. It may be a human invention, and quite new, but Dan got one. It shows a crescent moon, and on his tan but creamy skin the darkness/contrast is easily distinguishable. I pointed out that the stars were missing from his speckled sky of a stomach, and so he joked along, quite literally promising to tattoo them on his face. 

His laugh was the prettiest thing, so happy and so delighted and just warm, but I can’t actually know if he’ll go through with it or not. I suppose we’ll just have to wait and see, won’t we, mother?

greetings,

Phil

Sungod of the seventeenth dynasty

* * *

Mother,

the colour of the earth is unimpressive compared to Dan’s skin, his hair, and his eyes.

Quite an opening line. But it’s the best I can come up with. I have so many things on my mind nowadays, and so many of them seem to be about Dan. I don’t know why, but it means I’ll randomly spew out phrases like those.

It’s harmless near mortals, for they cannot hear us unless we intend to, of course. And when I’m with Roya she simply shakes her big head, grinning with her sharp teeth if she wants to mock me. 

It does become a problem around Dan, though, as you could guess. Sometimes he flushes red, deeper and prettier than the brightest of Spring dawns, usually accompanied by a choked laugh. Sometimes he shakes his head, shooting a witty remark my way. And occasionally he’ll just float off into his head. His little mind space, he calls it, and I can’t blame him.

I am telling you this since I both want to get rid of it, and have an explanation. Maybe both, maybe just one- often, I find myself fine with the way things are.

greetings,

Phil

Sungod of the seventeenth dynasty

* * *

Mother,

everything about Dan, from his obnoxious hand gestures to his lazy smirk that still somehow extends to his eyes, is captivating. I’ve spent more time with him in the last thousands of years than I have spent tending to a single creature*.

With that in mind, I would like to say sorry to you, mother. It seems like all I can speak about is him, even to you, when we should be the ones with the most in common. Then again, I hope you can forgive me, for all of these ramblings. Can’t understand them, myself, beyond the fact that I spend so much time with him.

After all that, I have to cut this letter short. Dan is calling for me; he’s made me dinner, once again, noting me as incompetent. And outside of that, I have nothing else to talk about.

hasty greetings,

Phil

Sungod of the eighteenth dynasty

*excluding Sepideh, Roya, and Sahar, of course

* * *

Mother,

Dan tattooed those blue lines across his face. It’s almost like I can do nothing but shout into the void, for they accentuate the already stardusted freckles that clad his tan face, and it’s really too much for my weak heart. The blue lines extend from the bottom of his eyes to the edges of his cheeks, while his freckles dance across the bridge of his nose, all across his face in a belt stretching to his ears. They’re very good, cute round ears, to match his very cute round face.

He looks even more ethereal than before, which sounds really dumb. We’re gods, after all, and nothing could make us more ethereal and divine than we already are. That was just a feeling I got, however, and so I’ll stick to the phrase.

With the peace that progresses all across the world, I am feeling quite calm*. The stillness in the air can be felt even when the breeze moves in from the vast ocean, and in the borderlands there’s a silence like I’ve never heard before. With that I ask you, mother, how are you?

greetings,

Phil

Sungod of the nineteenth dynasty

*I am not saying this only because it allows me to spend more time with Dan.

* * *

Mother,

I am glad to hear you are well. Personally, I’d like to retract my statement. Though not in a bad* way, actually.

Saying the calm comes before the storm is quite true. So many things have happened since I received your letter, and it’s been sitting untouched on my desk for ages now. And to think I once accused you of doing that.

I need to figure out my feelings, and I need to, now. Dan and I have spent so much time together, that I have forgotten what the passing of time is. 

Each time I look at him, my heart beats out of my chest, but I get really scared when he looks back. My breath jumps into my throat, and the way his eyes sparkle puts me in my place. And all of these things, mother, are things I’ve never felt before.

I don’t know what to call the feeling, either. I’m sure it’s obvious to you, but you are all-knowing, and I have yet to experience each individual emotion. It might be my own problem, since I’ve refused myself so many variations of feelings over the dynasties, but what is there do now, but learn?

I’ve thought a lot. Whenever we sit close, I want to cuddle up and bask in his warmth, like the humans do with sun. I want to drown in his smells, in his hair, and in his eyes that shine like they contain all the stars in the sky. Each time I get a nudge or a taste of his beautiful, tan, smooth skin, I tingle for hours at a time, and it won’t leave my mind alone.

Dan makes me laugh, and I make him laugh back. That one’s not abnormal, I know, but I can’t help but think, that with everything else…

Rest will do me good, and I’ll take some vacation time. From Dan and his gorgeous eyes, that is. I’ll ask him to petsit** Sepideh and Sahar, and just breathe. It’ll do me good, I’ll be fine. It’ll do wonders.

greetings,

Phil

Sungod of the very, very late nineteenth dynasty

*or maybe a little bit. My turmoil can be seen in many different lights

**because I think he’d quite like that, and it won’t make me seem like I’m rejecting his friendship***

***i’ve never said that word before, but it’s not as scary as I thought

* * *

Mother,

I am having ‘boy troubles’. But you already knew that long ago, didn’t you?

The trip didn’t help for collecting my thoughts and feelings. I think the longing for Dan and his comforting arms only made them worse, and reinforced them. It was like trapping a massive sea monster in a cage with a lot of prey, and not expecting it to grow bigger, stronger.

That monster has now broken out of its cage. It’s running rampant in my head, and I don’t know what to do with it before I see Dan in a couple of hours. Each time I think of him, my heart flips in my chest, and I do genuinely, genuinely squirm because my stomach actually feels like it’s alive.

It’s terrifying, but I suppose you knew that already, mother. After all, you created all these feelings that are swirling around in my chest. 

greetings,

Phil

Sungod of the twentieth dynasty

* * *

Mother,

like you said, I have been trying to ask Dan about it. It’s just so complicated.

I don’t like feeling things before I know the feelings. I didn’t know that so many dynasties ago, but if i had, I guess I could’ve dealt with getting to know Dan in a much, much better way. I could’ve even gotten friends, mortal ones at that.

I also don’t like disappointing, which is why I apologize so much to you, mother, and to Dan. Too much, even- and yet I can’t stop the thoughts from powering through my head. I don’t want to disappoint Dan, or ruin his expectations of us.

But something else scares me even more than all of that.

What if I tell him how I feel, and he screams and shouts? Runs the other way and never talks to me again? What if I lose him, he leaves my life and won’t come back? The one thing so much worse than being rejected, is being rejected and then losing them. I’ve only ever felt like this once before, when Dan hurt, and it was the worst thing in the world. That I know, mother.

This might end up feeling even worse, if I give myself away only to have it all be thrown right back in my face.

All I can do is try and try again, not cower like prey, and hope Dan can’t smell my fear..

greetings,

Phil

Sungod of the twentyfirst dynasty 

* * *

Mother,

It’s been so long. So, so long. 

Well, at least it feels like it. I know it’s not been quite so long as I make it out to be, but spending time with Dan makes the passage of time go all funny.

His eyes still glow when he gets excited; I doubt that they will ever fade. I have found his skin really is smoother than the surface of water, despite each bump that gives it its character. His eyes crinkle and his dimple glows, setting me on fire each time he laughs or even looks at me with that tilted smile. Very often, his curls will droop, and this one little pigtail falls across his forehead. It entices me to run my hands through and pluck each strand. 

I could go on and on with describing him, from the top of his gorgeous head and down to his equally gorgeous toes, but this letter would become too intimate. All you need to know: he is the embodiment of ethereal beauty, from the borderlands to the heavens and beyond.

We give gifts to the mortal humans together, now, as you have noted quite clearly. I suppose you’ve guessed what that means, but I would like to confirm your suspicions myself. The truth makes me quite giddy, and I am so not opposed to telling it over and over again that I would gladly shout it to the world. 

Dan and I are life-partners now, yes.

His kiss was sweet, which he planted himself, because as usual I misread and chickened out after I’d said those fateful words. Now, all his kisses are sweet, and I know he tells the truth when he says they won’t ever stop making our heads spin. Because they do, and he is not a liar.

“I-Love-You” I went, stuttered, even, and gosh, Dan says he’s never seen my face become any redder. He’s reading this over my shoulder, by the way, mother, and he’s laughing so hard his stomach is cramping because he already knows how you’ll react when you see this. I’d tell you to ignore him and his stupid, loveable remarks, but it’s true. I can see it, too.

You’ll say “I told you so, Philip. I always knew.” and I’ll pout when I receive your response, despite you being all-knowledgeable. And you’ll just smile down upon the earth, grinning ear to ear.

After all, mother, you set the rules. You weave fate, and you created the world in the first place. Time adheres to only you, and all of you, and so does the future of us all. Even the future of us divine, us gods. Us two lonely, only gods.

You did know, and even if I’ll always hold a grudge for you not telling me straight up, I’m thankful for your patience!

\- Dan tells me we have to fill our stomachs before I ‘rise’ for my duties at dawn, and so I’ll have to cut this letter short here. After all, I can’t say no to his delicious cooking, nor his rhythmic lips, nor the swift movements of his big hands. Dan knows very well that I-Love-You means I’m never ever getting rid of him!

And I’m thankful for it. This endless existence would go bland quick without him. It was, before I found him, too.

greetings,

Phil

Sungod of the twentyfifth dynasty

Betrothed of Dan, moongod

Ps. We’ll see when I have time to write another letter, might be quite busy for the next.. endless number of dynasties ;)*

*humans call these emoticons. They’ve quite evolved their language of symbolism, because this symbol expresses my meaning down to the most miniscule detail 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments appreciated <3


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